Batman vs The Pregnancy Test
by Vashti93
Summary: Life is funny and weird for Alfred. One second, your cleaning a teenage girl's bathroom; the next, you're pulling multiple pregnancy tests out of her trash can. Just another exciting evening in the Wayne household. Disclaimer: I own nothing and no one in the Batman universe. But Daniella Dahlia Wayne is mine. (Sixth in Daniella Wayne series)


Bruce sat at his desk, pouring over work documents. He had been at this for over three hours. He rubbed his temples; he needed a break. He was so happy it was the weekend. Maybe he should give Shayera a call. They always had fun together. She was great at helping him relax. She had done an amazing job helping him relax two nights ago. He reached for his phone when his study door opened. "Hey, Alfred," he said looking up from his phone. He took a longer look at his butler and friend. Alfred's face had gone stark white, sickly white. Bruce immediately stood from his desk. "Alfred," he said, worriedly.

"Sir," Alfred stuttered.

"You're scaring me, Alfred," Bruce said, grabbing the older gentleman by the forearms, helping him to a chair. "Do you need water?" Bruce asked. He grabbed a pitcher of water and an empty glass from a small coffee table. He handed Alfred the glass of water and told him to drink slowly. "What's wrong, Alfred?" Bruce asked, kneeling in front of his friend.

"It's horrible, Master Bruce. It's simply awful."

"What is?" Bruce asked. He looked down and realized his butler was holding something in his hand. "What is that, Alfred?"

"I found twelve of these in Miss Daniella's bathroom garbage can," Alfred said as he reluctantly handed the white stick to Bruce.

"What is this?" Bruce looked at the hard, plastic stick in confusion.

"It's a pregnancy stick," Alfred said.

"Okay," Bruce said not understanding. "And?"

"Sir," Alfred said exasperatedly, "it's a _positive _pregnancy stick." It took Bruce a few seconds before understanding dawned on his face. He covered his mouth. He was going to throw up.

"I don't get it," Bruce muttered, he stood to his feet and began pacing back and forth. "I don't get it." His shock was obvious in the way he was ringing his hands. Alfred was now the one handing him the glass of water. "I gave her the sex talk…I spied on most of her dates. How did this happen?"

"Master Bruce-"

"She can't be a mom. She's not ready to be a mom. I'm not ready to be a grandpa. Hell, Alfred, I'm not old enough to be a grandpa," he said gripping the old butler's arms.

"Master Bruce, I'm sure-"

"How is this happening…how…Clark," Bruce growled his friend's name. Alfred simply rolled his eyes. "This is his fault," Bruce continued, "he encouraged this."

"Master Bruce-"

"There you two are," Jason walked into the study. "What's going on in here?"

"Why are you here? Don't you have your own place that I pay for?" Bruce asked the young man, his voice full of annoyance. Jason grabbed his chest in mock pain. "Ow, Bruce, you wound me. I'm looking for replacement. I need his help tracking down some unsavory associates of mine." Jason eyed the multiple pregnancy tests on the coffee table. "Uh…guys?" he motioned to the table. "What's going on? Bruce, do you have something you would like to share with us?" Bruce glared at Jason. "I found them in Miss Daniella's room," Alfred said. Jason's face turned ashen white. "What? She procreated? There's gonna be another…_her?" _

"Don't be so dramatic," Alfred said.

"I'm gonna be sick," Jason said. "Isn't one murderous psychopath with Bruce's DNA enough? Do we really need another one?"

"Master Todd!" Alfred chastised.

"Bruce, you gotta take care of this!" Jason exclaimed, ignoring the butler.

"How do you suggest I do that?" Bruce asked with another glare.

"There are some Asian herbs on the black market that we can mix into her tea. She'll never be able to procreate again. Ever."

"Master Todd!" Alfred protested.

"I know a guy," Jason continued. "We could have this taken care of tonight."

"Okay, Jason," Tim said, entering the study, completely oblivious to the conversation at hand. "I got your text. What's the big emergency?" Tim looked down at the coffee table where the 12 positive pregnancy sticks lay. "Who's the unfortunate soul carrying Jason's spawn?" Tim asked.

"Ha, ha, ha," Jason said sarcastically, "hilarious. Any girl would be lucky to carry my offspring, replacement. And these belong to Daniella."

"Daniella?" Tim asked in shock. "Bruce's Daniella?"

"How many Daniella's do you know, idiot?" Tim responded by flipping Jason off. "What are you going to do, Bruce?" Tim asked.

"I don't know," Bruce responded. "I thought you were watching them at Titan's Tower!" Bruce accused.

"Bruce, I can't keep an eye on her and Jon 100% of the time. I have to take bathroom breaks and showers. I occasionally require sleep," Tim reasoned sarcastically.

"That is the only reason you should be-"

"Bruce, I'm here," a fifth person interrupted. "What do you want now?"

"I texted you two minutes ago, Clark," Bruce sprung to his feet enraged. Jason took out his phone and began recording. "This is gonna get exciting," he muttered. Clark rolled his eyes. "The last time you interrupted my evening with my wife for an emergency, it was because your daughter kissed my son. Nothing serious."

"Well this is serious," Bruce growled as he hurled a pregnancy test at his friend, who caught it with ease.

"Why am I holding a positive pregnancy test?"

"It's Daniella's. Your son got my daughter pregnant!" Bruce lunged for the Kryptonian who sped to the other side of the room in fear. He knew there were places in this room where kryptonite was hidden. All of the shelves were lined with lead.

"Hey! Hey!" Clark said holding up a hand. "We don't know it was Jon. It could have been some other guy. You know how…willing your daughter is."

"Are you calling my daughter a slut!" Jason and Tim immediately stepped forward grabbing both of Bruce's arms to hold him back, as Alfred tried to intervene.

"I didn't say that, Bruce," Clark said. "Don't put words in my mouth!"

"The next time I see your son, I'm gonna-"

"I was against them dating from the beginning!" Clark interrupted.

"You were giving your son pointers about kissing!" Bruce strained against Tim and Jason.

"Bruce, calm down," Tim said doing his best to hold the billionaire vigilante back.

"I didn't expect him to use my pointers on _your_ daughter!" Clark screamed. "I don't want a Wayne in the Kent family!"

"He's taking Daniella's name. I refuse to sully the Wayne family surname with a name like _Kent!" _Bruce broke free from Jason and Tim and lunged at Clark again, this time grabbing the Kryptonian by his shirt.

"Enough!" Alfred shouted, causing everyone in the room to freeze. "Master Bruce, let him go," the butler ordered through gritted teeth. Bruce begrudgingly did as he was told. "Clark, maybe you should give your son a call," Alfred stated calmly. "Make sure Daniella is with him. Now, if we could all relocate to the library, that would be great. It is a much bigger space, and has less art that could be shattered."

* * *

Five minutes later, the small group sat waiting in the library. Bruce and Clark sat opposite each other, the former fixing the latter with a dark glare. Clark gulped, avoiding his friend's gaze. Clark had to admit, Bruce's glare without the cowl was way more terrifying. Tim and Jason stood awkwardly to the side, watching the two. And Alfred was busy setting aside mugs of coffee. "Now," Alfred said breaking the tense silence, "when Miss Daniella and Mister Jonathan get here, we are going to have a nice, civil conversation, like the grown, mature adults I assume you _all _are." At that moment, a smiling Daniella and a beaming Jon walked into the library holding hands. Shayera was following not too far behind the two. "I was in the neighborhood," Shayera said. "I thought I'd stop by and say 'hi'."

"Father, Alfred, Clark," Daniella said in greeting. She turned to Jason and Tim. "You two," she sneered in disgust. She then turned to her father, "You interrupted our date."

"Hello, Mr. Wayne," Jon said.

"Shut up!" Bruce shouted causing the half-Kryptonian to jump and cower behind Daniella.

"Father!" Daniella yelled in horror and embarrassment.

"Bruce!" Clark said at the same time, rushing to his son.

"Here we go again," Shayera muttered, folding her arms.

"This is why Lois and I hate coming here," Clark muttered.

"Step away from him, Daniella," Bruce said to the teenage male, forcibly grabbing Daniella and shoving her behind him.

"What is going on?" Daniella demanded.

"Or you can just ignore the advice given by the old, wise butler and have a screaming match," Alfred muttered to himself. "I am seriously too old for this."

"You got my daughter pregnant!" Bruce accused Jon.

"What!" Daniella screamed.

"What?" Shayera asked, her face turning ashen white.

"What!" Jonathan screamed.

"This is fun," Jason said, a goofy grin on his face. He began recording on his phone.

"You heard me. You're not deaf. You have your father's hearing," Bruce growled.

"But we haven't even had sex," Jonathan muttered. He looked woefully at Daniella.

"Don't play dumb, boy," Bruce spat. "You were blessed with your mother's intelligence, not your father's."

"Hey!" Clark said, clearly offended.

"Did you cheat on me with someone else?" Jon asked Daniella, heartbreak evident on his face.

"No, no, no," Daniella said lovingly, attempting to walk to Jon but stopped by her father.

"Daniella, it's okay," Bruce said. "I'll forgive you for getting pregnant out of wedlock as long as Jon is not the father."

"Master Bruce," Alfred chastised.

"That's hurtful," Clark added.

"I thought we were going to wait," Jon whimpered woefully.

"Omigosh," Shayera covered her mouth with her hand.

"Dick is totally missing out," Jason said, ignoring Alfred's disapproving stare.

"Jon," Daniella began again. "I would never do that. I love you."

"No, you don't," Bruce said quickly, turning to his daughter, shaking his head no. "No, you don't." Bruce turned back to Jonathan. "She's lying. She doesn't love you. It's the hormones." Daniella glared at her father. "Father," she demanded. "Why on Earth do you think I am pregnant?"

"Alfred found these," Bruce held up a plastic sandwich bag holding the positive pregnancy tests, "in your bathroom trash."

"Oh," Daniella said.

"Oh? That's all you have to say? Oh?"

"This is not how I wanted this to happen," Shayera covered her face with both hands.

"You did have sex," Jon bemoaned again.

"They're not mine," Daniella said calmly, rolling her eyes.

"Really?" Jon asked, hope covering his features.

"Why do you have used pregnancy tests in your bathroom garbage if they're not yours?" Bruce demanded.

"They're mine, Bruce" Shayera spoke up.

"They – they – they – what?" Bruce sputtered in shock and confusion.

"Dude," Jason said, still recording. "What a twist."

"I did not see that coming," Tim's eyes widened in surprise.

"Yours?" Bruce asked Shayera.

"Yes," she said, "mine."

"Who is – who –"

"You are," she said with a small smile, placing her hands gently on her stomach.

"Dude," Jason whispered. Clark and Alfred stared at Bruce and Shayera in shock. Jon was just happily gazing at Daniella. And Bruce was stunned. "I thought humans and Thanagarians couldn't…you know," Bruce began.

"So did I," Shayera said. "But I took the tests two nights ago in Daniella's room. And I just returned from visiting J'ohnn. I'm definitely pregnant. And you are the only guy I'm sleeping with," she finished, shyly tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. "This isn't how I wanted to tell you," she said quietly

"Do you ever wear condoms, Bruce? Ever?" Jason asked.

"Maybe you should start wearing three at a time, just to be safe," Tim stated.

"Out," Bruce demanded, pointing to the door.

"May Jon and I continue our date, Father?" Daniella inquired with a glare.

"Yes. Go. And Jon," Bruce said before they could all leave the room. "I apologize…again."

"It's okay, Mr. Wayne," Jon said cheerfully before happily leaving the library with Daniella by his side.

"You're going to be a dad…again?" Clark asked, still not moving from his original spot.

"Leave," Bruce said. Clark slowly left the library, completely baffled by the turn of events. Bruce and Shayera stood silently, alone in the library. "We are having a baby," Bruce said more to himself as he slowly sat in a chair.

"Yes. We are," Shayera said watching Bruce cautiously. He was taking this a lot better than she imagined. "And you're sure it's mine?" he asked.

"Bruce," she whined, fixing him with a glare.

"I'm kidding," Bruce said with a genuine smile, leaning back comfortably in his chair. "I just didn't expect…"

"Are you okay?" Shayera asked, taking a few steps towards Bruce. "You're not freaking out."

"Oddly…I'm okay. I think I'm just relieved that it's not Daniella who's having the baby."

"Are you okay with the fact that I _want _to have this baby?" she asked uncertainly.

"Of course," Bruce said, surprised that she would even ask that. He stood from his chair and walked over to comfort her. "I am a professional at raising kids." Shayera rolled her eyes. "All of the kids I have raised have come out completely unscathed with little to no traumas." Shayera laughed softly. Bruce held out a hand to her and pulled her close when she reached out and took it. His arms wrapped around her waist as he held her close. "I missed Daniella's birth. I missed her first steps. I missed her first words. I missed a lot. This is a second chance for me. I don't want to miss this."

"Wow" Shayera breathed, leaning her head on his chest beneath his chin. "That is the most sentimental thing I've ever heard you say. Ever." She looked up at him. "Seriously, this isn't weird for you? I have wings. There's a good chance our son or daughter will have wings, too."

"I love the wings," Bruce said nuzzling her with his nose. "You _know _I love the wings," he growled erotically causing her to blush. "It doesn't weird me out at all," he reassured her. He placed his other hand gently on her stomach. "We'll be fine," he whispered softly. Shayera stared at him for a split second before standing on her tiptoes and brushing his lips softly with hers. "We'll be fine," she repeated.

* * *

"Wait, wait, wait," Dick said into the phone. "Slow down, Jason. What do you mean Bruce is having another baby?" Dick sat silently, listening to Jason speak. "Okay. Here's what we're going to do. We're going to drug him. Do you know anyone willing to perform a quadruple vasectomy, no questions asked?" Dick listened again. "No, I mean quadruple - just to be safe." He listened silently, again. "Well…tell Tim that future generations will condemn us if we continue to allow Bruce to freely reproduce. It's time we snipped this in the bud, once and for all. This needs to stop. Alfred needs to cut him off! He needs to tell him to stop having kids! No more!"

Dick hung up after a few more minutes and buried his face in his hands. "Dick?" Barbara wheeled herself over to where he was sitting. "Is everything okay?" she asked.

"Bruce is having another kid," Dick mumbled.

"We're all gonna die." Barbara stated. "The apocalypse is upon us, and we are all going to die."


End file.
